I'm So Sick
by Nicole Lo
Summary: I'm promised to Jacob. I love Jacob. He's all I ever wanted. These are the things that I keep telling myself but then I keep thinking about that kiss, burning and cold. I wonder if he thinks about it too...


I'm So Sick

* * *

Maybe if I had been the one to choose him, I'd have been more accepting to the idea. It's really cool to think that you can find your soul mate and stay with them until you're frail and old, to love them until you can no longer love because you no longer exist. And to know that even then, you'll always love them. That's the kind of romance I'd hoped for. Watching my parents fall in love made me want my own fairytale, forbidden love.

I guess you could say in a way what was going on with me was forbidden. Hell, my entire life was. Everyone was so worried since I was so much more fragile than they were, and I could never find a way to sneak out before one of them stopped me. How can I say this without sounding spoiled?

I want my own life. I should probably back up and explain why, why do I say this?

I have the most gorgeous man ever who wants me, loves me and asked _me _to marry him. And up until very recently, I was going to say yes. I was going to love him forever and fall into his arms as he nibbled on my neck passionately, or whatever those romance novels say.

But then I got a wake-up call. A _huge _one that threw my whole world back into my face. Some would call her bitter, others pathetic but Bitch suited just fine. Leah Clearwater.

Enough said.

She's what happened.

I didn't know what an imprint was, I couldn't remember what had happened see … I've lived a thousand lives since I was born. Technically I'm an eight-year-old in an eighteen-year-old body. I'd always loved having Jacob around because I felt safe around him and he was lots of fun, _always_.

He always made me laugh. And you can say that I loved him too. My whole life, just like that. When I turned "fourteen" is when that love started to change. It went from loving a friend that you always want to have in your life to me wanting him so badly that I could just imagine it. And I would, all the time. And I felt so drawn to him, like I never wanted to leave his side.

This, I thought was love, was everything I'd read about and wanted. By fifteen I was sure I wanted to marry him. But by sixteen, that had changed. Leah had come back into our world and I could see the way she looked at him, see the way she loved him. And it wasn't anything like what I had with him, but I just ignored it. I didn't mind it until Jacob started looking at me the way I secretly thought about him. And Leah took notice.

On the wake of my "seventeenth" year, a few days after the happiest day of my life—Jacob's proposal—Leah cornered me. She cornered me as though she were going to attack me, kill me and it would be easy to do. I was much more human than vampire and too weak to do her much harm.

"Do you love Jacob?" She looked at me with a half-smirk. I could tell that whatever response I gave her, she'd find a way to make me feel like a dumb, insecure, underdeveloped kid. But I wasn't the type to shield myself, at least not back then.

"I think it's beyond love." I gushed. "We're getting married-"

"It's the imprint." Leah cut me off curtly.

"The _what_?"

"You don't remember …" She gave me a fleeting smile before explaining the whole thing to me and my heart crumbled knowing that what we had wasn't real. It was like magic, a spell, enchantment.

I tried avoid going home that night. I knew my thoughts weren't private, ever. But I had to face it and all of them. So I pushed my feelings away until I was alone once more. It was then that I realized that my life wasn't my own. I got all of that out of being alone.

And being alone led me to this point, right now where I was about to plan my great escape. I was about to get as far away as I could into the world, and with no definite plan I knew Alice wouldn't be able to find me. Mom and dad were off hunting with Jasper and Rosalie. The Grandparents were picking out a new place for our next move which meant. Emmett.

"Are you seriously trying to escape from a house full of vampires?"

"If they didn't leave you to babysit, I'd be able to." I shot back surprised at the sharpness of my own tongue. Emmett seemed amused by it too, smirking even.

"That's what we get for leaving you around Leah."

"No. She's nice … ish." I added back, my face warming into a smile. Out of everyone, he was the one that I didn't mind seeing. I started evaluating what that really meant, which lead to a blush of embarrassment.

"If I could read minds."

"I'm glad you can't. I'm not going off to be with Jacob, if that's what you're worried about. If my parents ask, tell them my virginity is protected. I'm still their little girl but I just need to get out. I need some space."

"It's not safe for you out there." He answered back like a robot.

"Not you too." I rolled my eyes. "Please. You were human once. You were reckless. Please?"

"Just because I let you out that one night to go party, you think I'll do it again? That was a mistake-"

"That was the most fun I've had in ages." I answered back, knowing that I was saying. Knowing that I'd gotten crazy drunk and Emmett came to get me before my parents could find me. Knowing that besides Jacob, Emmett was the only one whom I'd kissed.

"Nessie, just go back to your room, alright?" He begged, looking down. Not the reaction I wanted, but it was better than nonchalance.

"You know I used to be so certain that Jacob was it. That he was everything-"

"Where is this going?"

"Not where I want it to go." I stopped myself from confessing my growing feelings for him. It would be messy and he wouldn't get it, at least not … yet. "But you should know," I continued, "that whether or not you want it to be this way I will leave. I am going and I am _not _marrying Jacob."

"Edward will be on your side on that one." He responded back with giddiness in his voice. Emmett was anticipating the drama to unfold, no doubt.

"It's not funny and I am dead serious. I know you all will find me, but please just let me go. Please." I begged like I had done that night for the party. Emmett sighed and caved in, cupping me in his arms as I looked up briefly at him. Just as swiftly I felt coldness on my lips and then I was halfway out the door. Chaste kiss or not, it was something, something that was stirring around inside of him, something that he was feeling. Just like I was feeling something for him.

The fact that he put this imprint _curse _on me made me reject this whole thing, made me hate who I was even more. I was tired of being the half-breed Reneesme Cullen.

* * *

(A/N: I am so anti-Reneeseme but I started reading 'Why I Almost Forgot What I Was Fighting For' and before I could get through the first chapter, this idea started forming. I had to write it down and this may very well be a one-shot. Just let me know what you're thinking. Review. Luv. –NL)


End file.
